We had a lot of laughter and fun. So I take it with a pinch of salt, some lemon and a shot of tequila. I almost spoiled things myself on the last night, we were drunk again and having a great time. He winked at a very young attractive girl behind the bar right in front of me, I saw it! I got mad. He batted it off, putting it down to me being drunk, but I know what I saw. I thought it was the ultimate disrespect to me, his woman, stood right next to him. I know I am at times, Should I be so possessive? He was with me the whole time, holding my hand, guiding me through busy crowds.
He looked after me really. But that wink… got me thinkin. And at what point did he stop looking at me in that way? I remember the first time we locked eyes and he gave me that look. His eyes and smile complimenting each other in a symphony of attraction. He knows their power and knows exactly when to use it. His smile broadens and shows a sexy devilish grin. The sex again yesterday was kinda militant.
Not very adventurous, quick. We drink too much booze. I asked him at weekend if he liked my body.. I felt reassured by his words but his actions say different things. We parted ways today because his son is flying over. He finds spending time with his children very draining well it is really for any parent and he can sometimes be an emotional brick when his kids are around.
Neglecting our relationship and avoiding PDAs. Once his children have gone home, there is usually a period of turmoil from him. All in all his mood has improved, mainly I think because his business is going well and he can see some light at the end of the tunnel. But as I have seen before, his mood can quickly shift and fluctuate depending on the weather and it usually gets put on me. Very minimal communication via text now. It once bothered me to the point of distraction, where I was unable to carry out my normal life.
But now I just expect it as part of the course. The ghosting. It seems he is unable to maintain a relationship from afar, he does the bare minimum to keep me on a string. Just facts, straight facts about his business and the weather and inconveniences that are happening to him, that I can do nothing about.
Only to see his grumpy, tired, possibly indifferent face walk through my door. Half arsed smile, With a cold sharp peck on the lips and a compulsory hug. I should learn to expect less. That is my prediction. So I am not allowed to expect anything, if I do, I get even less. So I woke up the next day with puffy eyes and my soul destroyed and i I had to go to work. Set the bar to the lowest possible level and then there may be an opportunity to experience a sliver of joy maybe.
No, I doubt it. How the hell is he supposed to have time to think about or communicate with me as well?? He does the bare minimum now. Oh jeez. What the actual fuck are you doing here?? Just an update. It is going exactly as I predicted. He has let me wait on him hand and foot and not helped me with anything or been the slightest bit affectionate. Today went really well, I was starting to think foolishly, maybe it can be this good all the time?!
His mood began to mysteriously dip towards the end of the day, for some unknown or benign reason. He took great objection to being asked to do something. After managing to get him to mellow out slightly last night with 6 beers and a bit of personal charm we went to bed on a relative high. He explained he was tired, which would account for his complete lack of anything. Just a dark cloud swooping over, me walking on eggshells. This morning the storm continues. He has been angry, angry at the dog mainly, her excited brand of puppy affection is too much to stomach for any normal person first thing in the morning, but for him… oosh.
He violently threw her out of the bedroom and muttered obscenities. He can be really horrible sometimes, but never more so horrible than in the mornings. He left today to go back to his place with his son and to pick up his other older boys up from the airport. It was a very cold goodbye. I also moved out early this year.
I had enough support that it was alot easier than I anticipated, however the months after have been extremely challenging. Not only am I in financial difficulty because of years of paying his bills, etc. More recently he has become abusive again, and has threatened me and my daughter her not directly with violence. I am going to get a restraining order, but I am still scared what he might do.
My N is my daughter our onky child. She disappeared for 10 years. We finally reconnected with her and 2 children and lovely husband. They were having another child. We gave a downpayment for a house. We furnished it beautifully.. School interrupts that. They still came for sleep overs. We never asked for gratitude. Our gifts were from the geart. There have been many signs then one day she walked in to the three children and my wife and I having a pilliw fight in our big bed. Everyone was laughing abd gaving a ball. She walked in and pulled the plug like some freen meanie. Things got worse. She vacame verbally abusive.
At this stage i involved the police who went and extracted a withdrawal of the death threat. But we gave kost the children and our daughter and the lovely hubby. She could just not stand to see us enjoying each other and had to crush it. I fear for the chikdren we may never see again. And can only hope that in 10 years time there is a knock on our door. It sucks but it is vetter that living with the N spoiling everything for everyone. The kuds will survive. So will we. Thanks for everyones stories. They help.
Two months into a whirlwind romance. Sometimes it has the effect of throwing a curve ball into an otherwise good evening. Sometimes it completely destroys things. On this evening, we stayed in, talked, listened to music, it was going well. We got talking about a friend of his, a female.
So progressive and cool. I have platonic male friends so I understand that males and females can be friends without sexual complications sometimes at least. That evening, I asked a question. I asked it in a playful way.. Then, WW3. I was accusing him of sleeping with her, having an affair, I have jealousy issues, how dare I?!? He was raging, he screamed, he hit things, he hit me.
He behaved like a psycho. He insulted my family, my job, my country, my cleanliness, my ability as a mother, i was nothing to him, I cried a lot, hiding in my bed. The night seemed to last forever. Narcissists will often lash out in narcissistic rage, stonewalling, and excessive defensiveness when confronted with evidence of their betrayals. I asked a question. A completely unreasonable one in his opinion. I have since met the girl I got hit because of. I think after meeting, my intuition told me that they probably have slept together.
And so what?! The whole night I was looking at her thinking, I got an ecig launched at me because of you. I got a huge black sore ecig shaped bruise on my shoulder, that lasted weeks, that I had to cover up, that landed inches away from my face. Silly me. This all sounds too true — although I am out, he has threatened my personal well-being, my job, tried to control who I talk to, the list goes on…….. If I try to bring anything up, it gets twisted around, I tried the helping, the giving money, the taking care of his kid, paying for counseling — I feel that I just have to wait around for his next attack.
The sad part — I knew there were red flags within the first two weeks — and I tried for a year because I saw the good 0 this seems like it may sound familiar to people — LOL. I kept waiting for him to have time for the relationship. When I got tired of waiting and being depressed, and I tried to make a life for myself. Before he could have cared less about spending time with me, then he was all up in my face to keep me from pursuing my dreams or hobby.
Now I read for an hour every morning to get me in the right frame of mind to be able to go to work, and I read every night so I can reduce the anxiety in order to sleep. Last week was a horrible week for me as I received his offer of the property settlement of nothing of our marital assets after two decades with this man. I woke up this morning feeling good for a change, and not blaming myself for not trying harder or staying longer. I truly know I am replaying my relationship with my original abuser. I truly know I must heal myself, because if I was truly well then I would never allow the N treatment into my life in the first place.
It would be incompatible with my truth. I am working toward a new truth and new vibration. Mel, Thank you so much for all that you do. I was lost until I found your website, and it resonated with me, reinforced my intuition, and calmed my doubts about the nature of this abusive relationship. Thank you and everyone who posts and shares their stories. It helps me know I am not alone or worse yet crazy, and the stories are mostly the same behaviors, just a different N.
This helps me know that my intuition was right-on that he is an N, and there was nothing more I could do for the relationship except continue to self sacrifice myself to the grave. It wasnt until I was in my thirties that I was finally able to even talk about my childhood abuse. I thought how could anyone like me with my past,for the longest time I thought it was my fault,that I was damaged or wasnt doing things the right way. It continued into my adulthood. For me it has been decades of healing,and no you are not alone,we are in this together,even if we arent physically together,stay strong.
Like a carbon copy of me …waiting…. I finally met someone hot enough to try and tempt me out of the insanity. I am so thankful that someone shared your website with me, I am in the process of removing myself from my N. This helps immensely, thank you all for your insight, sharing and advice. I feel as though I am no longer the crazy one. I was able to leave about 30 days ago with my daughter, and after 22 years, wow cannot believe it took me this long, I finally feel like I will be ok, with the knowledge I am gaining here, and my supportive friends…I will break free.
I realize all the work I have to do, and I will break this cycle, for myself and for my daughter. Thank you!!!! Whats Crazy…. The author clearly encourages the female to take personal responsibility for her wounds and addiction to the narcissistic man. That however in no way excuses the man for his financial emotional, or physical abuses. The man who acts like that is not setting a female straight. He is feeding his own addiction. He is abusive , manipulative and needs therapy. Are you my narcissist prick or do you just share the same name AND the same fucked up problems.
What are you even doing on here you dick head. In your effort to discredit, invalidate and shame Eve, you have proven that everything written in this article about Narcissists, is true. What the hell is YOUR problem that you dated a stripper and you dated a drug addict? Who cares if they did??! You chose to pick that type of person. So that is on you. It does not excuse abuse, stalking, rages, and mental abuse. I was sure it was a prank, who could possibly know everything my husband was doing to me, without living at my side? On a positive note, after filing for divorce the first time and believing his promises I went back.
Within a few short months all his narcissistic behavior came back with a vengence. Then the work began. Yes, leaving a narc is tough. My husband even claimed my deceased parents stood at his bedside twice! My father as a minister had married us and he and my mother were devoted Christians.
Talk about ruthless! I almost fell for it. How sick is that? How do I manage this? Please help!! I have refused telephone calls with him, and resort to texting about the children and planned school activities. This helps enormously because if it is in writing, he is careful how he words things. If it is a phone call, he will say anything and bring up a thousand complaints instead of sticking to the issue at hand. Sorry this is long but I could go on and on…the D is still pending, and he has now told my atty that he wants primary custody.
It has been a while since you posted this, so I hope your Divorce is finalized by now. It is a place where you can send one another updates on the kids, as well as has a calendar for scheduling. Melanie: Thank you a million times for the extraordinary insight you have offered womankind. Yes, men get abused but primarily generations of woman have endured much too much and its about time to finally see the disorder in the light. Ego is overrated in all of us. When I think of all the young ladies without this knowledge stumbling onto your site and taking it thru life with them it makes me hopeful for our future.
I am also very hopeful for the future of woman and for men and for relationships — it is time for all us to heal and get love right! Hi Melanie, I love your work. Even though we are a half a world away I feel as though you are here with me, supporting me in this difficult time of facing reality and the truth of my life.
Only for a very short time did I second guess whether this N abuse was true for me or not. Though difficult and practically all time consuming, I am committed to heal and feel extremely blessed to have gotten the insight. Though very frightening to face my own fears, energies and emotions I do see the light at the end of the tunnel at which there is only love from my source and that is all I really ever needed anyway. It is so not about the N s anymore… Bless you. I am so glad you are feeling the connection and the support — that has definitely been my intention!
Your post warms my heart — totally! I am thrilled for you, and hope and pray more people take the responsibility and truth on-board as you have! Hiya my narcisstic baby dad. Once i forced myself not to have contact I was able to regain myself control and healthy way of thinking! Its diffacult not to make contact at first and sometimes I still feel like i wanna make contact but I dont and Im finally free! I feel like i was released from prison of 8 year sentence!!
NO contact I think is the key to recovery and normality! I agree, Jodie. My N was so commited to breaking through that it has been a total nightmare. I can actually concentrate on those childhood wounds and have found confidence to interact with real people again. Bless you for spreading the word! Not recalling it. You were meant to find this blog, by some divine appointment. Be Well, Friend. Be Well! It is really important to use the time as a single person to work on the deeper inner programs within yourself, that co-created a narcissist in your life — otherwise these deep unconscious programs can and usually will play out again in the future.
Inner Identity Programs can be very insidious, powerful and hidden, and this is why the real work is very, very important. Hi there. I am in the process of leaving my narcissistic partner. I have told him to leave within a few weeks and he of course has been trying everything to try and change my mind. I have already tried to leave him several times for various reasons. The latest reason is that I discovered him trying to start an affair with a female co-worker. During this very flirty and sexual conversation he admitted to this older woman that he had a five year relationship with a co-worker 20 years older than him.
I never knew about this affair until I read this message a few weeks ago. The woman who he was referring to was a co-worker of his for five years and they were friends. He spent a lot of time with her and I never suspected a thing. Now suddenly years later I find out he was sleeping with her for five years behind my back!
So now this is the second affair he has had that I know about. There was another older woman that I found out he was having an affair with a few years ago and we split up for awhile but somehow he charmed his way back into my life. I now feel like this entire relationship has been a lie and I feel like he has been cheating on me the entire 17 years we have been together. The problem is that we have three children together. How am I supposed to go no contact with him when we have children together?
What should I do?! Also, I am releasing the next Thriver Tv topic on this very soon. I also suggest … what is so important for you at this time is to start healing and empowering you — as the healthiest thing that you can do for you and your children, during this difficult time. Seems as if we all have walked a mile in the same shoes. The no contact is hard as hell. In leaving my N I have enlisted the support of my freinds. You see he was unable to trIck them , he was able to push my emotional buttons but not theirs.
I have told my friends about everything , every embarrassing moment I have endured being with him. He has no friends. That thought comforts me. I see him now as a pathetic little man , a loser and non functioning person. I have been getting out and about , going to work , the gym , joining groups and events. Keeping busy and not dwelling on what could have been but in reality was never ever going to be.
My friends have been my reality. Open up and listen to the people who really love you. Your children, your family , your friends. If you have no one , seek support from counsellors and join blogs like this for support. Set yourself free again to be the fabulous , kind and loving person you are. Keep an open heart and a smile on your face!! Yep I finally got away from my N and I think what woke me up was my health was deteriorating. I just had surgery this wed. My immune system was getting worse and worse. The doctor took a biopsy and is checking for cancer but I am trying to keep the faith.
I have had no contact with my N since the last week of Aug. I changed my number and everything. What also woke me up is that he made a threat to me. And it really scared me. Every little noice I hear I think maybe it could be him. I got the police involved too but they cannot do anything unless he has physically tried to hurt me. Anyway thanks Melanie for this article. It does help. When you heal these issues — he will no longer be able to.. Truly the ultimate quantum leap occurs when you can think of your previous abuser as the greatest gift — because he handed you back to creating yourself….
If it is, we run the risk of attracting another person we will judge, resent or pity — and that is not the love experience we truly want to have. I had to join online groups because I have no one close by for support. But I learned at a very young age that I only have me,there is no one to help me but me. My pets and a couple of friends are all I need,along with my gardening and art. I love when he plays the silent treatment,it gives me a break from his craziness.
I am finally getting healthy enough to leave which is going to happen soon. You are so lucky to have so much support,people that know both of us choose him because he has something they want,his mechanical skills. We can do a lot of healing while still being stuck with him,or her. Just remember you are important,and your self esteem is just waiting for you to find it. Stay strong.
Invisiblonde: thanks for the affirmation. I, too, am an INFJ. I pray the best for him in life but I cannot be with a selfish person. I am learning that the need for certainty can be what traps us for so long in unhealthy relationships. We believe that we can create certainty by insisting that the N be what we need. The N has a different agenda, and actually has no intention of helping us heal, the very opposite they aim to keep us sick.
That is why taking responsibility for our own health is the key to freedom!! My identical take is that we have lived with the illusion that someone else is responsible for our wellbeing. They are NOT! WE are! And when we are — THEN they can reflect more of what we already are to ourself!
The Complicated Truth About Dating a Narcissist
Your comment is so true on many levels. The father of my two boys, whether he is truly a narcissist or not, has abused me emotionally, verbally, and spiritually. I look forward to a future without him in it, and am passing this information so vital! I can look at myself in the mirror now, and see ME! I feel empowered and hopeful after 9 years of tyranny against my very soul. Thank you Melanie, you are a blessing!!!!! Hi Veronica- Your post hit home when I read the part about the N saying hurtful things. So they chop us down. The N I got entangled with, called me some really nasty names I believed for a long time and it paralyzed me.
Glad to hear you have support and enjoying a new found empowerment. And yes, self-respect is so important if not most important. I was just speaking with a friend last night, who is having a tough time staying in an emotionally abusive relationship yet having a difficult time leaving too. What is important is what WE think of us. I appreciate you sharing your life with us,we all need to here that it isnt our fault. That is truly beautiful for you and your boys — and any way my information can help I am so pleased it is! Yes, a big resounding YES!!!!
I just completed 2 years of separation and am proud to report, HE no longer has even my email. I have done deep deep work on healing those parts you speak of, and am experiencing a level of freedom I did not know was even possible. Yes, the pain feels like you are going to die, but I learned to go in to the pain, feel it, name it, release it.
There is still residual, but I will be a work in progress as long as I live. The biggest thing is my stand for myself has become stronger and calmer. My stand is from responsibility more than reactivity. I am feeling like I am in my own skin again, and it is a joy! That is so awesome Ruth. It sounds like something called Focusing.
I have found that to work wonders also. Happy to hear a success story too. Very timely for me. I have successfully left and divorced my narcissistic ex-h. So far, I have fought the urge to call him in the middle of the night to come in and be my knight in shining armor ha! I am learning that I am able to deal with a lot more than I have ever given myself credit for. That is very empowering! However, this confusion and the urge to have him come and save me during difficult times tells me that I still have a lot of inner work and healing to do or else I will always be vulnerable to him or to another narcissist.
Thank you so much, Melanie for this blog!! I really relate to this feeling. Great recognition! I love it when people DO realise that they need to heal an unhealed part — because we all do have our stuff that can feel insecure and dependent…absolutely. Have you checked out NARP because there are QF shifts in there that are specific to empowering and healing that dependent insecurity. Please accept my gratitude for what you have written. I am a man…and not generally disposed to fear, desperation and despair, yet I have felt all of these things obsessively since my ten year marriage has dissolved.
Everything you describe has occurred and more, to the point where I believed that I was insane. A year and a half later, I am experiencing moments of great joy interspersed with a lingering sadness and disbelief. I guess I am not finished yet, but I have maintained no contact. I will never go back. I tried to leave with dignity intact, but when she realized it was really going to be over, she lashed out with lies and slander and manipulation of the police and courts to not only destroy the relationship, but my home, my business and my peace of mind. Be very, very careful leaving a narcissist.
Yes, you are so right that when leaving a narc make sure you think it through carefully.. Truly when we do become the vibrational inner creator of solidness, peace and detachment it is so interesting to see how powerless narcs become to affect or damage our life. My N was probably the worst I can think anyone suffered through. He ran off with my moms cremains and texted me that he sprinkled her in the woods. He called me every name in the book.
When I tried to leave he overdosed on Zanax and almost died. On life support for a week. I stayed even when he dragged me naked by my ankles up a flight of stairs, spit in my face, tore up my clothes, punched holes in my walls. He was the one to leave once for a nasty 22 year old child. He is He came back and I was a fool to let him. He got me wrongfully arrested then posted my mugshot on Craigslist and all over to humiliate me. I lost my soul. I have started from scratch, with my sons in toe but am so tired of people sniggering or belittling me through his lying actions!
Will my boys ever realize that there is another side to him as most of his abuse was cleverly done behind closed doors late at night. Any answers I would appreciate! Sweetie what you are going through is the intense pain of abuse and smearing as many people do….
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The truth is the higher lesson and healing in this is — YOU knowing who you are, and that NOT being reliant on others opinions of you. In all of my personal and widespread experience with narcissistic abuse recovery I have seen this phenomenon happen time and time again. I hope this helps.. Only in times of extreme narc injury when the False Self momentarily crumbles can they — but as soon as the False Self reinstates that moment is long gone — as if it never existed.
I am so pleased you are out of the realtionship and no longer enduring the abuse or the projections. Melanie, I would just like to say that this article resounded with me so deeply, I have been following your programs for over 18 months and have healed in so many ways. Firstly, it was your website that alerted me to the fact that I was in an abusive marriage and had been for more than 28 years, I had always felt very uncomfortable within myself whilst in the marriage but was always told by the N that I was distorted in my thinking and that I was too sensitive, too emotionally reactive to his abusive behaviour.
I wont rehash all the events that occurred during the marriage as I have truly healed from the memories of it all and as a result of following your NARP have made tremendous progress in recovering. I have truly disconnected from the life I lived for many years and have no interest in the thoughts or deeds of my ex-husband.
Why is it that after so long after leaving this toxic environment which in the end resulted in a highly abusive and dangerous situation I still second guess myself and have thoughts where I think perhaps he was right all along, maybe I am mentally unstable, greedy, selfish, undeserving of respect and love etc etc…. I find it remarkable that I have healed in so many ways and have really worked hard to gain my self-respect and love that I still after all this time of being away from this toxic environment have to battle with myself in disbelieving his words of the past.
I understand that I am almost through this painful and debilitating era of my life and I would just like to thank you for your explanations regarding NPD, the damage that a NP can do is relentless, I certainly believe that if it had not been for your program my recovery would not have been possible.
I am so pleased NARP has helped and that you have been able to recover many pieces of you, and wonderful that you have disconnected from your ex. Loving, kind, good person etc… and then clear all of your resistance to this…. Truly Christine if you directly target this — you will not know yourself in a fantastic way when you release it.
What It’s Like to Have Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Please also know that because you are on NARP you have direct contact with me — you can email me anytime for suggestions. Melanie Thank you for the article on projection. I kept telling my close friends and family that I felt like he was trying to make me crazy. He took the things that I feared the most and turned them against me.
He told me every relationship he had ended because THEY cheated on him. He told me that I was not paying enough attention to my children he walked away from 2 boys He told me that I was too needy. He told me that I was crazy. He told me that I mothered him. He told me that I was using him for money.
I hate lies. My number one deal breaker in any relationship is lying. OMG I see now it was all how he felt about himself. What a messed up disorder. I never knew that people like this existed. Your articles are very helpful. You are describing total narc — and so many people could repeat hearing what you have said almost — if not — word for word.
Now you can heal, recover and create a great life — and no longer have to live in that twilight zone again…. Hi Mel, This article was amazing thank you. My very traumatic relationship has been over for some time now, although since that life — changing one I have brushed up against a few with similar characteristics and moved on from them as quick and as best I could.
However, the more I read and the deeper I delve into this disorder the more I feel as if I am understanding something that I feel is or was a huge part of me in my past relationships. It is as if I am being shown how I used to feel and behave within my previous relationships pre the big traumatic one. Is it possible that I have been healing my own NPD? Does that make sense? I used to feel this way with most of my exes in the past. Through all these relationships and of course after the life — changer, I feel I have changed so much and am really learning that there simply IS no relationship unless you truly, deeply love, care, trust and respect you first.
Can I have been a N in recovery?
Melanie Tonia Evans
We can all act narcissitically when in fear — absolutely. However there is an enormous differerence between being totally disconnected from reverence or not…. Which for you — to even consider what you are — rather than being hell bent of maintaining a False Self and having zero accountability in order to ensure your emotional survival — means you cannot be NPD.
What you are describing is unhealed wounds co-dependent — needing energy, approval, validation from outside self that require your healing and attention. Yes, in times of feeling powerless you may have acted narcissitically. You are already taking responsibility powerfully by firmly realising that no healthy relationship is possible unless you deeply partner yourself.
When the renowned English statesman B. Oh YES and focusing on the agony of being with someone who refuses to take responsibility for their wounds — then means we are NOT taking care of our own.. I had just kind of used almost two weeks on realizing that I was not yet ready for the 30 day challenge. And here it comes this blog post, that helps me realize I actually do not have a family, that I am alone and have been all the time I had narc parents. I just had an e-mail communication with my sister, while reading this post, and to my suprise I must also realize that my sister have chosen more the narc way of dealing with the circumstances we grew up within.
I am in fact all alone. I have no real family. It is very sad, but also such a relief, a release, something lighter and better. I feel more free. I have wanted to break free completely for so long, but found no allowance for that within me. How can someone else than me anyway know what is good and right for me?
Whoops, could have expressed myself better, I did not order the post, but it cam as if I should have ordered it. If you act from pain and fear with a narc and retaliate, you are missing the lesson and healing — and the people that try this — come off a very poor second best. It is very hard, especially when he is seen as a kind and spiritual, meditative person. Hun, please look at the resources that can really help you get through this time, and assist you with minimalising the awful pain and aftershock you are going through.
Healing honey is not a time line, it is dependent on your state within yourself.. Everything sounded so familiar and personal. He does not miss me and from a quirky source have found out out he is enjoying the pity party and sympathy, and attention. And seeming to enjoy it. But I, on the other hand, wake up every morning with such joy and peace in my heart that I am getting healthier and stronger every day.
It is truly a new subject for them, getting them to wonder if that is what has characterized a mother, spouse, inlaw, father, sibling, etc. It has given me and others a name and place to start. I have tried to steer them to you, or books, or other valuable resources. I truly believe that my experience and the learned lessons will one day help encourage another. That is my prayer. Love you Melanie! Have a wonderful weekend! Yay that you can be real — and experience real relief and joy — knowing all of that stuff is Not Your Reality.
Thank you do much for all that you do on this site! I was in a state of pain and confusion with him for years. This particular post really I think brought a shift in my understanding of what occurred. Thank you for sharing your insights and experiences. After looking up information on narcs and coming across your website, the whole experience I had been through began to make sense. This post especially has brought about so much understanding of the situation I had with the NA as well as myself.
I have a lot more healing to do, but this is helping me take small steps. Love and blessings to you. Absolutely fantastic Melanie, this is exactly where I am at. I am ready to step into this stage and it is so motivating to know that I am normal and the Narcissist is just a draining waste of time. No contact is so fully internalised now that I couldnt risk him ever again and I feel like I have run a marathon to get here, but oh how freeing just to have my mind back. Thank you, you have truly been a support to me and a light through the darkest tunnel I have ever walked.
Maybe I felt you would be a kindred spirit and you have been. I am grateful every day for the gifts that are in my life and that are constantly coming, the light has been switched on. Everyone in my life is benefiting from my release from this man. Cant thank you enough xx. Please know it is lovely to have empathy and patience if it is not about filling ourselves, fearing abandonment or rejection, or selling out ourself rather than contributing these parts of us to life in healthy ways….
Yes you are right Mel, I am working on becoming more assertive and trusting my inner voice and instincts again. Although I may be a codependent type I am trying not to label myself as I find it harder to do the work. I am still working on self forgiveness or allowing myself to endure this but I am not beating myself up anymore and only hanging around with trustworthy friends and family.
I am open to meeting new people but I will approach that in a completely dfferent way to the way I used to, knowing that it takes time to truly get to know someone and that I must honour my boundaries the first time. Not being so trusting so quickly and taking my time with things. I have released a lot of anger too as well as resentment at the Narc and feel that I needed this experience to clean my life up. I needed to love someone so deeply and be treated so badly to finally have a look at my inner lack of boundaries and constant empathy that he didnt deserve.
I heard the weather has been fantastic recently so the beach would be very handy. I have been coming to terms with my Narc BF over the past 6 months and your articles Mel have helped me enormously. After the quanta healing I grew enough to stand up for myself and leave him. It is a constant struggle to understand, though. Reading a lot of your posts I wondered if I was in fact the NPD, but was reassured with your post on that. I still am worried that I might be the NP, as he has been disinterested to the point where I think he is heartless and I turn insane and horrified at the emotional abuse I heap on him in an effort to obtain an explanation from him for his selfishness, indifference and treatment of me like dirt.
He just let me go like that. Again, thank you Mel. Hi Karen, I was just reading your post and I felt I had to reply to you. I went through the whole questioning if I was the Narc too because of the abuse I dealt him trying to get answers as well, how could you this? How could you that, asshole! Everything, then I would feel guilty and try to apologise, its all part of the game. The fact that you are feeling guilt means you are not a Narc and also this is the exact game they play. At that time, reject him without discussion, you will be no further forward than the last time and he will suck you in again because they know you have a conscience and they ride it.
My email is appaloosa14 bigpond. It is really important that you keep working on the deeper levels of yourself. Boy have I been there! You will not be able to stop this or achieve self-love, acceptance and positive thinking until you directly address these wounds within you that require him to validate you, and not abandon you. Hi Frankie, thank you for that support, it helps a lot. The emotional trap between anger and sadness is so draining I literally have a migraine today!
It takes mental discipline I guess, to shut out the negative toxic ruminations and focus on me and love. Thank you for taking the time to share and care. I know I have more work to do, it takes so long to get these guilty, self blaming voices out of our heads and I never ever thought that day would come for me. I thought I was going to be stuck in his vortex forever and could not find the strength to stay away from him. If you spend enough time around these people it can be hard to climb out but after 12 years I am living proof that it can be done and you will do it too.
How could someone that loved you ostracize you for 5 months and then tell you he loved you?
The answers will become clearer if you put up with more, but it will come at the cost of more self esteem. I wish I had known someone like Melanie years ago, I would have been able to extract myself years ago. I adored him, he was the love of my life but then that was his false self, this was the longest part of the process, getting my head around the fact that they are just not normal and do not bear a conscience to do right by you.
You deserve and will attract better than him, hugz to you x Ps. I found healing music, sounds of nature and spending time with my horses opened a door to my healing, find something if you can each day to empower yourself again, slow baby steps will win the race! Hun mental combat is not the answer — our mind will always default back to our unhealed Programs and follow them — that is the hard way to try to win this battle.
Take the pain to the healing space and do the work on your subconscious and then you will start getting powerful results on healing this…. Thank you Mel, I know you are right and it helps to hear it. I also know where in my childhood this all comes from alcoholic father RIP liver cancer and a co-dependent mother who has been miserable and isolated and full of self-loathing her whole life.
From day 1 when I found your website 8 months ago, your articles have been a revelation. Thank you for giving me the tools I need to finally deal with all of this and make the most of my wonderful life and future ahead. Frankie and Karen, Please bear in mind that you are on the road to healing! Yes, there may be some tough patches to go through, but you are on your way! Also, do not beat yourselves up emotionally: you were just coping as best as you could with what you had! Now, you have much more information and some tools to help you heal!
This society is not very healthy. We start to heal when we take responsibility for ourselves and our own well-being. When more and more of us do this, we will be building a much happier and healthier society! OK, so you wake up to this and? What of 3 young children? Yes, obviously the children need some attention regarding all this. They may benefit from some counseling. Tell the counselor what has been going on, so they may understand what will be most helpful for the children. A good counselor will quickly recognize the NPD in the situation.
I did leave my husband for two months. He kept the house while I moved into the attic of a friend. I had tons of support but not enough to prevent me from returning. I returned because he had the kids 7 and 9 every second week. I know how impossible and destructive my marriage is. However, he is so smooth and presents himself so well, that my chances of full custody are not great. So I stay in our house and at least try to buffer the effects he has on the kids.
The kids and I are in therapy specifially about how to manage their father. It helps a great deal. However there are some days when his behavior is so profoundly ridiculous that I become sad and feel so helpless. Mostly if I am sick, tired, have had a death in the family, stressed or have pms. Now, I wait for the storm to pass and work hard at emotionally detaching and keeping the kids sheltered. I used to feel threatened by this and worry that the kids would respect me less. Fortunately, my kids are smart and intuative.
They use this time to get what affection they can from their dad , I use the time to rest and now have the confidence to believe that the kids love and respect me. You understand! Someone understands!! But now I understand my co-dependence. How long does it take to achieve the ability to just pay attention to my life, my feelings and trust them. I still worry about hurting his feelings when he obviously could care less for mine.
He left me broke and broken, then blamed me for it. His power plays and mind games left me reeling in emotional pain. As everyone around me saw such a great, giving man. I wanted to believe THAT man. I want to trust myself. I am disgusted at myself for still caring what he thinks because I know his manipulation firsthand. He plays my girls against me. He manipulates them. I lost count as to how many girlfriends he has had.
Our girls believe his words that he delivers from his mouth so eloquently as he lives a vastly different life. If caught, he gives a callous smile with no words…. I feel as if I will never fully heal. I loved him and our family. I wanted him to love me back. Just like he tells everyone how devoted and loving and supportive and great he was…and how ungrateful, selfish, and unforgiving I was.
Yes, it is very hard when children are involved, but not impossible. The greater the pain the more the calling to heal…. I hope you decide that the pain has become too much to bear, so that you can make this choice, as your gretest necessity and priority. Thank you for this very helpful article. I was recently fired from a job after four years and have realized how my narcissistic boss controlled and abused me.
Everything was okay until I very kindly set a boundary with him. Less than two weeks later I was abruptly terminated for no apparent reason. The scary thing is that he and I are both psychotherapists and it was not until this traumatic ending to our professional relationship did I realize how sick this man really is. I know that I am better off without him in my life but the way that he punished me and tarnished my reputation with my now former therapy clients truly astounded me. I have felt great comfort reading this article and putting all of this horrible episode of my life into perspective.
It is not about blaming but understanding the sickness that was projected onto me. A sad moment in my life but I trust that my new therapy office and independence is a gift from above. It is wonderful that you have recognised the dynamic, and that you can put this into perspective. That is fabulous that you are a source to yourself, and you truly can see the gift — that as per honouring yourself laying boundaries , Life is moving you on to much greater and more fulfilling things.
Hi Melanie! Thank you for what you do!!! I was raised by narcissists who were verbally, sexually and physically abusive of me. At the age of 44, I have never developed a healthy relationship with a man. From the initial contact, he lied to me about who he was age, occupation, living conditions, what he was looking for, etc. Even though the lies began on day 1, he has only begun apologizing to me in the past month.
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He continues breaking my heart over and over again. Yet, I keep coming back. I will date others and drop them pretty quickly when a red flag comes up. My heart yearns for him. And yet, the sex is not great. He is a taker and wants from me when we are together. Cognitively I understand this and know I have to get out. However, my emotions rule and I take him back every single time.
We went 7 weeks with no contact a month ago and it took work every single day to not want to reach out to him. How do we develop the wherewithall to move on??? I need so much HELP! There is only one reason that we ever stay hooked to a narc, and that is we have unhealed wounds within us that are a match for a narcissist and the abuse. DeDe, your solution is to do the deep inner work on these defunct beleif systems that are keeping you attached. Please take a look at NARP — this system directly addresses your inner patterns and belief systems and transforms them, which is the reason why it has helped so many people get out of what you are struggling with at present.
I did buy the program a few weeks ago. I realized something the other day. Growing up, I always wanted someone to tell me that they loved me and meant it. I never got that. Guess we should be careful for what we ask for! Thank you Melanie and readers. I need you all!!! I remember having very similiar dreams with my subconscious screaming at me as well…I know a lot of people can relate…. Ok these hooks that you know you have which are stopping you from getting clear — are exactly the painful beliefs you need to be going to with the MP3 healings.
DeDe to get out of this nightmare you need to do less congnitive analysis, and more of just taking the direct pain and hooks to the healing sessions — then the agony will subside and clarity will come. This is the same principle: you are addicted to going back to him because the neuro-peptides and neural pathways in your brain have been so hugely formed to keep you going back to him. It is not your heart that yearns for him. You are addicted to being in his presence, so you keep going back.
No it is not your emotions; it is the hardwiring in your brain. How to stop it? You have to get away from him and stay away; you know that. I just wanted to further add that I am SO grateful for this blog and for all your comments and stories. I found this at a time when this horrific projection began the last 5 months of an 8 year relationship. I am so glad I found this site when I did otherwise I am sure I would have had a breakdown and been suicidal. It truly is mind bending and crazy making. But having to defend myself in hopeless arguments, obvious lies and false accusations — that was too much to bear.
The freedom I feel is indescribable. First time in my life that I feel free. Now I totally understand no contact and how powerful and it is and help to bring healing. That is wonderful that you are relieved to be free and that you are committed to your healing and the creation of your real life. Hello Melanie. Thank you for this blog. It does help a great deal. Especially if I need to read them again. Does a person with NPD ever seek help, or for lack of a better phrase get cured?
Also, can two people who are NPD have a meaningful relationship? Many of the situations you have described in this particular article have been happening over the last 8. He is just beginning to work on our daughter. I am not sure what I can do. She has just started counseling but I am afraid that he will cancel it when she needs it the most. Cognitive therapy is the long way around for doing that — and would take I believe decades — if it would work at all.
Sam Vatkin seems to believe that two narcs can have a relationship. My take on this — is that it could be possible. Narcs seek external power, and will inevitable draw people that also seek external power I need something outside of me to feel more secure, worthy and whole. What I also find interesting is that narcs usually greatly dislike in others what they dislike in themself..
Certainly two narcs together are not genuinely loving each other for who they really are warts and all — they are using each other to create and maintain a False Self — because that is all they are bringing to a relationship. Hardly an ideal and genuine love relationship — and certainly not one I would ever wish for anyone! It is very hard to let go of some one that is damaged , deep in our hearts we wish them healed , we wish we had a magic wand to heal them , i retain a certain sadness for my ex narc , but your words always ring true. It helps me grow and be more aware.
I read this quote in full but i miss quote it here. I found this site after my husband walked out the door this morning. I am sitting here wondering why I feel so guilty for this fight when all I did was work. I feel like a child around him most of the time when in other situations I am very outgoing and fun. I truly hope that you can get clear and realise what you do need to heal — because point blank you are being abused. Hi Mel, Six months out of a five year NPD relationship that I could have ended after the idealizing phase had I had the knowledge and inner strength your blog suggests we all need to find.
Leaving my narcissist was one of the most difficult things I have done but the benefits are true and they are mine. I was lying to myself because I was afraid. No more. What I have today is real and true and beautiful and just me. I am connecting with others that are living life this same way and we reach out and touch each other with the true love and respect we hold in our hearts.
Thank you for your work, for your help and for opening the doors in my heart. Every love, every protection for you. It is a book about evil and narcissists. There is some danger. I am still a little unsure if the man I chose to care about is a marc. We became friends 2. He was charming, flattered me and the friendship blossomed. A few months later we split but he called me all the time then we got back together, after a few months situations would occur and I was always the blame, things that were very sentimental went missing, he often accused me of being absent minded.
After time I questioned my own mind, was it me? Rapidly things got worse and he became physical, still thinking it was my fault I carried on befriending him. He had a young daughter, on contact I would be with him. He lost contact as I reported hum for abuse. He hurt me physically, alcohol would make things worse. I stupidly dropped the charges as he charmed me again. The violence soon started again. I need to be strong! Another thing he often does is copy me, strange as he is so often critical of me. Anyway, it feels good to get this off my chest. I am strong!
Study about narcissism and turn that focus on to you. You are the narcissist! I am beginning to believe that I was in fact the one with NPD. But I am so so confused. You are being projected on — and the most important thing you can do for yourself is heal…. My love there is a big difference from not being perfect and heaving our own unhealed wounds which are actually to do with hooking up with and tolerating abuse — and what the narcissist is accusing you of being.
Would it also be true to say that if someone is freaking out and getting upset about the possibility of being a narcissist, that the chances are slim to none that they are?? Melanie, I became involved with a colleague who I had very high regard for and a good working relationship for a number of years — I liked him because he seemed like such a very nice guy — and then we developed what I thought was a deep friendship when we taught together abroad, both of us were going through separation I am now divorced almost 2 years and he is still separated —from his second wife who left him for another woman — but he has during this time been in a long distance relationship he left me for over 2 years ago.
We became involved at the end of the time abroad and then shortly again after we returned home. So that is when I found out about this woman. He did apologize for lying right to my face about it, but went on to minimize its impact on me because I was not right for him and she is. In other words, not a real apology. My therapist sees this as a manipulative tactic, geared towards making me feel bad for making him feel bad, does this make sense?
My question is, do narcissists have points where they do realize their behavior is damaging but then push that out of their minds? I wrote this person a long letter before our last meeting, where I talked about those times where I felt violated and embarrassed, and I never at all blamed him for intending to hurt me, but asked that he understand why I felt awkward around him, and consider my feelings as we move forward working together as colleagues.
And then he proclaimed that he really wanted to be friends again. As usual, I asked what he meant by that and his response it to get together for dinner and talk about relationships, whereby he began to talk about his girlfriend that he cheated with on me. He never asked me once about the person I was seeing, only telling me repeatedly how happy he was for me to have found someone. In fact, he wrote an email to me last year about the death of his dog which he thought I would want to know since I love animals so much, but when my little dog died a few months ago, many colleagues offered their condolences but he was completely silent on it.
I always leave our conversations feeling more invalidated than I came, and have determined to just ignore his presence in the working group he is the director of the program so it is difficult and treat him as politely as possible. But the feelings of violation, betrayal and confusion have lingered until my therapist mentioned he might be a narcissist. His long distance girlfriend is spending more and more time here and I am beginning to see her on campus.
I assume she is looking for an opportunity to give up her prestigious job at her own university across the country to move here and be with him, and I have to say that I do feel a bit sorry for her, because when she does that, she will no longer have the thing that drew her to this person. I am convinced that it was her position in the conference and at her school that give him the validation he is seeking, something that I, as a junior colleague, could not do.
I now understand that there is little hope for reconciliation of our friendship I have NO desire for a romantic relationship but I have had the lingering hope until this point for a genuine apology and recognition that I have been deeply hurt. This person does not act pompously or arrogant until you get to know him. Everyone thinks he is the nicest guy in the world, and so did I, until now. Do you have any advise on how to work with him without being engaged or impolite?
Everything in their life is about securing narcissistic supply — the drug that is necessary outside approval to know they exist. There is no closure or remorse with a narcissist — period. Dear Melanie please help. I need help from a Narcissistic but not been diagnosed. I have been through difficult situation with a man i am married to.
As my husband has had me put in hospital for claiming i was unwell and he has caused me to lose our children. This is very very important and great urgent as he is saying that No one will believe me or even want to help me. My children wants to come home but they have been put through Department of Children Services and i can not seem to get them back.
Please i need someone from outside source to get me a number for a narcissistic doctor who i can can tell my whole story to. How old are you? What types of jobs do you go out for? Narcissism is a defense mechanism. A narcissist lives, has a job, school, and reacts to stuff that happens around them. They will think they fall in love, because they see someone, and they get the hots for this person.
They feel the same, they think the same, they do the same, because they see this person as an addition to their lives, just as you would think, if you fall in love, that this man or woman is an addition to your life. The only difference is, the narcissistic brain sees the world outside as something they have created. The world outside for a narcissist looks different, because they see this world as they have created it.
There are imperfections they do not want to see, so their brain prevents them from seeing them. This person that they fall in love with also has imperfections that they do not want to see, because they need this person to fit into their world. You cannot come together so you decide to go out for Chinese. How can that perfect puzzle piece not want the same thing he wants? This thing needs to fit exactly where he wants it, where he needs it. And eventually, it gets all too confusing. Now, a malignant narcissist, they will find someone, use that person, and then just get rid of them, because they act proactively.
Narcissists act defensively. What do you think people get wrong about NPD? People get almost everything wrong about narcissism because they confuse it with psychopathy. They attribute a lot of behavior to narcissism due to bad journalism and what I call parroting — one website repeats what another website says, and people get wrongly informed because of it.
Real, pure NPD is nothing like that. Narcissists abuse people, everybody abuses people. Everybody manipulates people. If a narcissist hurts you, you hurt him first. And narcissists are delusional by default. Who among your family and friends know about your diagnosis? All my family — my mother, my brother, my sister, they all know. My father died. Four of my close friends also know. He knows I have an illness, but not the ins and outs. Do you have a relationship with his mom at all?
As little as possible. Oh, yeah. She lived through my depression, my worst moments. That was in my late 20s, and I can say that I was as inconsiderate of her as she was of me. I did not intend it to be, but in the end I can say it was not much more than an experiment.
Have you been in relationships since your ex-wife? Yeah, I have a relationship right now. She just brought me coffee. How do you talk about her diagnosis with her, if at all? We are a strange bunch. We talk about our diagnoses very openly. She has one as well? They have one as well. My current partner is diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder. She has 21 personalities at this time. How do you keep track of them all? So is it like you have relationships with 20 people, actually? Twenty people and a rabbit. And a rabbit?! There are four main personalities, and the rest you practically never see.
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How long have you been together? We met online on a psychiatry forum. How do you feel today about your diagnosis?