His main research is on philosophical issues in medicine, psychiatry and psychology. Sex Anxiety and Sex Sexual Obsession? Is The Word 'Not' Missing? I'm Lonely Lack of Sex Drive at a Young age? Alcohol, No Sex, No Intimacy Why Am I Here? Is He Gay? I'm Really Lost Too Different? What Is Happening To Me? Is it Transference or A Real Crush? Bipolar and sexual dysfunction? Is this normal? My wife and her sexuality I can't stop jerking off! How can I stop masturbating? Page 5. The Project was a New York City-based not-for-profit corporation established to explore sexuality and relationships.
During my tenure with The Project, I interviewed and catalogued thousands of subjects on what they sought in a partner. I gathered information from the students at the dozens of universities where I was invited to speak on my research. Like the work of researcher Ellen Berscheid, The Project experienced an unsought avalanche of attention which brought it to national attention. A Time magazine reporter covered one of our sessions and wrote a full-page article declaring "Sex Fantasy Goes to Broadway," which, indeed, it did.
One arm of The Project had volunteers presenting psychodramatizations of their actual love fantasies on stage. Because there was no nudity and no explicit language, the squeaky-clean dramatizations were unique and caught the attention of the three major television networks, which presented. This, in turn, spawned dozens of articles in respected mainstream publications in America and Europe. As a result, people from all over the world sent us their stories, their fantasies, their longings for love. They called or wrote to The Project detailing precisely what they sought in a romantic partner.
Most of the letters and calls we received were prefaced with comments like, "I've never told anyone but. We listened, gratefully, as we gathered data on what made, or would make, people fall in love. How the Techniques Were Developed Let us leave the world of sexuality for a moment. Come with me to my second discipline, the field of communications. It is here I take the findings, and turn them into workable techniques to make someone fall in love with you.
It has been proved beyond any doubt that there are ways to induce desired behavior from people. If there were not, all Page 6. There are established methods for invoking various emotions and for changing people's behavior. For example, we can learn how to deal with difficult people or how to make troublesome employees respond in the desired way. Feedback from seminars I have presented for government organizations, universities, professional associations, and corporations convinces me that we can indeed effect changes in behavior patterns.
We accomplish this complex task by first understanding people's basic needs and motivations, then by employing the right verbal and nonverbal skills to modify their behavior. That is what I do in this book. Drawing from the scientific studies, I reveal the basic needs and motivations that make someone fall in love. This book is the result of many years of research and exploration into several disciplines: interpersonal relationships, human sexuality, communications skills, and gender differences.
We not only draw from scientific studies into the nature of love and from my personal research, but we also benefit from the work of modern therapists and communications analysts. What is the recipe for making someone fall in love with you? Can it be reduced to a formula? The following sounds simple, but it is actually quite complicated. You start with a solid scientific base of what makes up interpersonal attraction. Then you gather profound information about your Quarry the person you want to make fall in love with you.
Finally, you secure your Quarry with your spicy perception of precisely what he or she wants sexually. Page 7. How I Tested the Techniques I wasn't content with simply relying on research. I needed to see if these techniques would work in the field. Several years ago, to test my theories, I created a seminar with the same title as this book, "How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You. It is on this playing field that the material has been tested. And the feedback from my students is, "Yes!
Is it a simple task? Does it require sacrifice? You may decide, after reading this book, that capturing his or her heart is simply not worth having to give that much of yourself. But if you do want to proceed, follow me. We will explore the skills needed to accomplish the task, to make the Potential Love Partner of your choice fall in love with you. You notice that I have used the words Potential Love Partner several times. I will do so throughout the book because, although it is bulkier, the phrase is more accurate than anyone, which my publisher wisely decided is more readable. Who are your Potential Love Partners?
Timing, if not everything, at least counts a lot.
For example, if someone has just lost a beloved spouse, he or she may not be ready for love. Second, a Potential Love Partner is anyone free of esoteric psychological or Lovemap needs. These are needs that, through no fault of your own, you can't fulfill. We'll talk a lot about your Quarry's Lovemap later. That leaves many Potential Love Partners, a myriad of hearts to choose from.
Let us embark now upon the path that leads you to the heart of the man or woman you desire. Page 9. What are the long-awaited results of Berscheid's early studies and the deluge of those that followed? Well, maybe Freud was right. Romantic love is enigmatic.
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It is difficult to capture and convert into computerized, controlled bits and bytes of information. Instead, treating it as if it were a virus, scholars are tackling specific questions about love, nailing down a few facets at a time. They have made tremendous progress. Out of the cascade of studies, six verities emerge about what makes people fall in love. To be a successful Hunter or Huntress of hearts, you must, like Cupid, be a skillful archer, and aim your arrow dead center at the following six targets. Scientists tell us that love's seeds are often sown during the first few minutes of a relationship.
When two cats meet for the first time, they stop and look at each other. If one hisses, the other bristles his coat and hisses Page However, if the first kitten gives a little nudge with its cold nose, the other kitten responds in kind, and they wind up purring together and licking each other's coats. A man and a woman getting to know each other are like two little animals sniffing each other out. We don't have tails that wag or hair that bristles, but we do have eyes that narrow or widen. We have hands that flash knuckles or subconsciously soften in the palms-up "I submit" position.
There are dozens of other "involuntary" reactions that take place in the first few moments of interaction. The good news is that we can learn to control these presumed involuntary reactions. The moment you set eyes on each other, your Potential Love Partner subconsciously reads the subtleties of your body language.
In these first crucial moments, he or she can unconsciously resolve to try for romantic takeoff or abort thoughts of love. His or her mind then becomes computer-like, and your PLP continues to make rapid decisions about you during your first conversation, your first date. In Part One, we will cover techniques to lure Potential Love Partners into approaching you, into liking you, and then into making a first date.
I'll share scientifically sound methods of keeping the conversation exciting and making the first date stimulating for your Quarry. If you pass the first impressions test, you enter the second phase. Here your Quarry starts making. His or her subconscious mind is saying, "I want someone like me.
Well, almost like me. Our hearts are finely tuned instruments that seek someone who has values similar to ours, who holds beliefs similar to ours, and who looks at the world in more or less the same way we do. Similarity makes us feel Page We also look for people who enjoy the same activities so we can have fun together. Similarity is indeed a launch pad for a good relationship takeoff. But we get bored with too much similarity. Besides, we need somebody to make up for our lacks. If we have no head for mathematics, who is going to balance the checkbook?
If we are sloppy, who is going to pick up our socks? So we also look for complementary qualities in a long-term love partner. But not any complementary qualities—only the ones we find interesting or that enhance our lives. Hence, we seek someone who is both similar and complementary. In Part Two, we will explore methods of planting subliminal seeds of similarity in your Quarry's heart and ways to make him or her know that, even though you two are basically alike, you are different in so many utilitarian, fun, and interesting ways.
Everybody wears a price tag. How much prestige does he have? How blue is her blood? How much power does he wield? Are they rich, intelligent, nice? What can they do for me? Does this sound ugly? Researchers tell us love is not really blind. Everybody—even the nicest people—has a touch of crass when it comes to choosing a long-term partner. I can hear some of you protesting, "No, love is pure and compassionate. It involves caring, altruism, communion, and selflessness. That's what love is all about. You've probably even met couples who are deeply devoted and would sacrifice everything for each other.
Yes, this kind of selfless love that we all dream of having exists. But it comes later—much Page If you want to make someone fall in love with you, researchers say, you must initially convince them they're getting a good deal. We may not be conscious of it but, science tells us, tried and true market principles apply to love relationships. Lovers unconsciously calculate the other person's comparable worth, the cost-benefit ratio of the relationship, the hidden costs, the maintenance fee, and the assumed depreciation.
Then they ask themselves, "Is this the best offer I can get? And, in order to make people fall in love with you, you have to make them feel they're getting a very good deal. Is all lost if you weren't born drop-dead gorgeous, or if your grandfather's name wasn't Vanderbilt or Kennedy, or if you don't have the compassion of a Dr.
In Part Three, we will explore silver-tongued verbal skills to replace the silver spoon that was never in our mouths when we were born. In that way, we can satisfy some very choosy Quarry. Let Me Count the Ways At the blazing core of first romantic rumblings is ego. Perhaps Cupid misses the mark when he aims his little arrow at Quarries' hearts. Science shows us where to really level our ammunition and take fire—right at their egos. People fall in love with people in whose eyes they behold the most ideal reflections of themselves.
Would-be lovers should be thrilled that ego makes the world go round, because Quarries' egos are very vulnerable targets. There are multifarious ways to make your Quarry feel beautiful, strong, handsome, charming, dynamic, or however he or she wants to feel. There are big-stroke compliments, little-stroke caresses, and a myriad of deliciously devious means to make your Quarry feel special. Subtle procedures can convince Quarries what they've suspected all along: "I am differPage I am wonderful. And to thank you for recognizing this amazing fact, I'll fall in love with you. We seek protection in our primary relationship from the cruel, cruel world.
In Part Four, How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You explores ways to make your Quarry feel that you are the salvation—you are his or her safe harbor from the storm of life. Everyone smiled knowingly in when Rex Harrison moaned from the Broadway stage, "Oh, why can't a woman be more like a man? But in the era following My Fair Lady, feminists cast serious doubt on his convictions. Now, after many decades of pondering, presuming, and postulating on whether men and women really differ in anything but their genitals, the envelope has been opened. The answer is—drumroll.
Men and women think and communicate in dramatically different ways. Neurosurgeons can point to clumps of neurons in female brains that cause men like Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady to call women "exasperating, calculating, agitating, maddening, and infuriating. Perhaps recent scientific findings will give men and women more insight into each other's style, but nothing short of a frontal lobotomy could make a permanent change in which brand of neurons our brains give off.
Women will continue to be "exasperating," and men will still be "insensitive. To avoid scaring off their prey before they bag it, serious big-game hunters know all the characteristics and habits of deer, moose, caribou, bison, and wild hogs. Likewise, serious love Hunters and Huntresses must be well versed in gender differences if they intend to make the kill. Part Five briefs you on how to avoid the most common early-date turnoffs to make even the most wary Quarry comfortable letting down his or her guard.
Love-shy Quarry who usually take flight when a man or woman gets too close will happily come within firing range of your arrow. Rx for Sex How to Turn on the Sexual Electricity Many books on how to turn on your partner make sex sound like flipping the switch on the night-light next to your bed. Stroke there for an extra charge. Mindpower is what drives the mighty machine and keeps it generating heat for many years. The most erotic organ in your Quarry's body is his or her brain. For details and how-tos, there is no lack of reference books.
The list goes on. Such manuals are replete with detailed data for women on how to tickle that spot just below the "cute little helmet" to drive him out of his gourd. Men can examine idiotproof charts on where to let their fingers do the walking so as to not miss the U-turn that leads to her G-spot.
All of this is important stuff—very important stuff. But when it comes to actually making somebody fall in love with you, it pales in comparison to what I'll call brain fellatio—sucking the dreams, the longings, and the fantasies out of your. Quarry, and then creating a lifelong erotic aura that he or she luxuriates in. Gentlemen, far more important for a woman than how many times you can "do it" in a week or even in a night is the sensuality and passion you create in every aspect of your relationship.
And the sensations you give her every time you look at her. Ladies, far more important to a man than your bra-cup size or the curve of your hips, is the size and curve of your sexual attitude and how you deal with his individual sexuality. No two sexualities are alike, just as no two snowflakes are alike.
I will give you techniques to uncover your Quarry's unique sexuality and then make love to him or her just the way he or she likes it. In Part Six, we will explore the right kind of sex to make your particular Quarry fall in love with you. Let us now embark upon our six-part journey, starting with what happens physically when we fall in love. Page Some of the first techniques you will learn ignite your Quarry's physical response to you before his or her brain catches up.
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We will put love through the brain-scanner and under the x-ray machine to examine what physically happens to your Quarry when he or she starts to feel that incredible sensation called love. Scientists tell us only PEA -brained people fall in love. At the core of infatuation, they speculate, is a chemical called phenylethylamine, or PEA. It is a chemical cousin of amphetamines and gives a similar "kick. This is the chemical which makes your heart palpitate, your hands sweat, and your insides go all funny.
It is rumored that PEA can also make you want to rip your Quarry's clothes off at the first available opportunity. It is as close to a natural high as the body can get. Cole Porter obviously knew what he was singing about when he wrote "I get a kick out of you. This adds to the quickly mounting scientific evidence that romantic love is relatively short-lived. That's why some people become "love junkies. Now, since you can't go around armed with a syringe filled with phenylethylamine, spot your Quarry, and inject the PEA -filled tube into his or her bloodstream, you do the next best thing.
You develop techniques to trigger PEA -brained responses in people and give them the sensation that they are falling in love. No, PEA and its sister chemicals are precipitated by emotional and visceral reactions to a specific stimulus. Like what? It can be a whiff of her perfume, the boyish way he says hello, or the adorable way she wrinkles her nose when she laughs. It could even be an innocuous article of clothing you're wearing that drives your Quarry bonkers. For example, in Conrad Hilton, the founder of the Hilton hotel chain, flipped over a red hat that he spotted sitting five pews in front of him in church.
After the services, he followed the Page Where do they come from? Are they in our genes? No, genes have nothing to do with falling in love. The origin lies deeply buried in our psyche. The ammunition that gets fired off when we see hear, smell, feel something we like is lying dormant in our subconscious. It springs from that apparently bottomless well from which most of our personality rises—our childhood experiences or, most significantly, what happens to us between the tender ages of five and eight. When we are very young, a type of subconscious imprinting takes place, similar to the phenomenon that occurs in certain species of the animal kingdom.
During the s, an eminent Austrian ethologist, Dr. Konrad Lorenz, induced a flock of baby ducks to become hopelessly attached to him. Observing how baby ducklings, shortly after hatching, begin to waddle along in single file behind their mother—and continue to do so into maturity—Dr. Lorenz decided to imprint the ducklings with himself.
Lorenz hatched a clutch of duck eggs in an incubator.
At first sight of their little beaks breaking through eggshells, he squatted low as if he were a mother duck and waddled past the eggs. They promptly broke free and followed him across the laboratory. Thereafter, despite the presence of real female ducks, these imprinted little ducklings continued to waddle after Dr. Lorenz on every possible occasion. Researchers have shown that the phenomenon of imprinting is not limited to birds.
Various forms of it exist among fish, guinea pigs, sheep, deer, buffalo, and other mammalian species. Are humans immune to imprinting? Well, unlike the duped ducklings queued up behind Dr. Lorenz, we don't continue to Page Universally respected sexologist Dr. John Money coined the term Lovemap to describe this imprinting.
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Our Lovemaps are carvings of pain or pleasure axed in our brains in early responses to our family members, our childhood friends, and our chance encounters. The cuts are so deep that they fester forever in some nook or cranny of the human psyche, just waiting to bleed again when the proper stimulus strikes. Money said, ''Lovemaps. They're as common as faces, bodies, and brains. Each of us has one.
Without it there would be no falling in love, no mating, and no breeding of the species. You have a Lovemap. We all have Lovemaps. They are indelibly etched into our egos, our ids, our psyches, our subconscious. They can be positive imprintings. For example, perhaps your mother wore a certain perfume, your beloved father had a boyish grin, or your favorite teacher scrunched up her nose when she laughed.
Perhaps a beautiful lady in a red hat was kind to little Connie Hilton when he was growing up in San Antonio, New Mexico. Lovemaps can be negative, too. Women, maybe you were molested as a child, so now you can never love a man with a leering smile. Men, maybe your cruel wicked aunt wore Joy perfume, so now any woman who gives you a whiff of Joy makes you want to flee like a bug blasted with insect repellent. Lovemaps sometimes contain very convoluted paths. Early negative experiences can give them a strange twist.
Women, maybe your father ran off with another woman, leaving you and your mother alone, so now, if your date so much as glances at a passing lady, you freak out. Gentlemen, perhaps your beautiful baby-sitter spanked you when you were five, but it stimulated your little genitals and felt good. So now, as an adult, you cannot fall in love with a woman unless she will give you love spankings. Forgotten experiences, both positive and negative, are remembered by your sexual subconscious.
If the timing is right Page A shot of PEA shoots through your veins. It blasts your brain, blinding you to reason, and you begin to fall in love. It's the necessary spark to kick-start love. That's just for starters. The starter gets your car going, and then the battery takes over.
Similarly, after your brain recuperates from its first shot of PEA , a little reason hopefully starts to make its way through the grey matter. As you and your PLP get to know each other better, you begin exploring your similarities and your differences we cover this in Part Two , and you both start asking yourselves, "What can I get from this relationship? We listen to our ego and see how much reinforcement it's getting Part Four.
Early love is very delicate, and often we inadvertently turn our Quarry off in the first few dates Part Five. If we get beyond that, what goes on—or doesn't go on—between the sheets plays a gigantic role Part Six. Throughout How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You, we will explore all these factors from a scientific point of view. Let us now go back to the beginning. Where do you find a Potential Love Partner?
Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places Single and divorced people, young and old, all across America are asking themselves as they brush their teeth in the morning, as they shave or put on makeup, as they touch up the grey in their hair, "Where are all the good men?
Where are all the good women? And their number is growing. Today, even with jet travel, on-line romances, and a shrinking globe, most people marry pretty close to home. Studies on what social scientists call residential propinquity show that Cupid's arrow does not travel far. In fact, one study tells us the median distance traveled by an unskilled worker to find his Page You'll outfit yourself with some new knowledge and, armed with the techniques in this book, you can start tracking Quarry very close at hand.
You've heard the wail of unsuccessful lovers: "I'm looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love in all the wrong faces. Most have been looking for love in all the wrong ways. Theatrical performers know they need a different set of skills to get cast from an audition than they need to sustain a role on stage. They must immediately knock producers out with their talent, sometimes in one minute or less. Likewise, you need different skills to make someone fall in love with you than you need to keep a relationship warm for a lifetime.
Without that strong first kick, he or she might never get to know you, let alone fall in love with you. Let's say you get lucky tomorrow and spot a Potential Love Partner. He or she is sitting on the steps reading a book. Or standing in a museum studying a painting. Or getting on the bus. Or waiting in line at the bank cash machine. You sneak a second peek. Something about the stranger revs up your internal PEA factory, and a little dollop goes squirting through your veins. Maybe it's her looks, the way he moves, something she's wearing. Her aura? Is this love at first sight?
Does love at first sight even exist? Well, that's a semantics question. Instant desire, or lust at first sight, definitely exists. However, the scientific world pretty well agrees that love at first sight is merely Monday-morning quarterbacking. A successful love affair, perhaps one leading to marriage, is retrospectively declared to be true love; whereas if one is rebuffed, it is classified. Semantics aside, one fact remains. Any small stimulus can kick-start love. Your first moves when you spot a Potential Page Love Partner are crucial. If, from that powerful stimulus, love grows, you have every right to call it love at first sight.
Nobody will argue with you. Love at first sight has survived because it is an integral part of the many popular beliefs about romantic love. Romantic love is an important cultural value to Americans. The picture burns its way into his or her eyes and can stay emblazoned in your Quarry's memory forever. I have a dear friend, an older gentleman named Gerald, who is very sought after in the social scene of his hometown. He is a charming escort for several elderly ladies who long ago lost their husbands.
Gerald met these women when they were all in high school together back in the late OS. His women friends are inwardly beautiful; however, physically, several have gained weight and have long since lost their youthful attractiveness. Once, at a party, I overheard a rude man tease Gerald about his taste in women. My friend was genuinely confused at the tactless remark.
He reached into his wallet and pulled out an old, dog-eared black-and-white photograph of his high school homecoming queen and her court. Two of the three ladies he was currently escorting were in the photo. One of them was Page To this day, Gerald sees his lady friends as beautiful as they were back in Such is the power of first impressions. Image consultants are paid thousands of dollars to pontificate in boardrooms across America, "You never get a second chance to make a first impression. What's new is this: Even as we enter the 21st century, we don't really comprehend the unbelievable compass and consequence of first impressions.
Or on what lilliputian details they are sometimes based. Gentlemen, one backward baseball cap or gold chain flashing through the hair on your chest can make or break a budding relationship with the lady before you even say "hi. Be Ready for Love—Always! By the time you have the date, your Quarry's first impression of you has already been set. How you look on the date is, of course, important. But it's not nearly as decisive as his or her first glimpse of you. You don't realize it, but here's the sad truth: You have probably let dozens of PLPS get away in recent months just because your trap wasn't set—you weren't fixed up for the kill.
Hunters, that means you weren't dressed for the part. Huntresses, that means you weren't groomed properly. Research shows that for men, clothes are more crucial to first impressions. For women, it's her body and face. Huntresses, you may well ask, "Is makeup all that important? Researchers asked men to talk with six different women who sometimes wore makeup, sometimes didn't. Their study, "Lipstick as a Determiner of First Impressions of Personality," revealed that the male opinion of each woman was very different when she wore lipstick. If he's a typical male attracted by rosy lips and nice big eyes, what do you expect?
Men, how many times, in your grungy clothes, have you tried to talk to Lovely Lady on the bus who gives you a cursory answer and looks away? If she's a typical woman attracted by an air of competence and success, what do you expect? Women, it does not mean you need to slap on three coats of mascara to walk the dog. What it does mean is whenever you step out the door, step out dressed to kill. We get lazy about first impressions due to the reinforcement theory. Say you fix yourself up for the kill. You go out to walk the dog three times, four times, looking like a traffic stopper, and nothing happens.
So you say, "Hey, this doesn't work. Give it some time. Can't you wait five more dog-walks for your future beloved to say, "Nice doggy. What's his name? And, by the way, what's yours? Stay Psychologically ''Fit to Kill" Not only should you be physically ready, you must keep your mental doors open to let love walk in. PLPS don't just enter your life from parties and singles' clubs.
Easy: How To Make a Girl Fall in Love with You
Cindy is an attractive young manicurist who has been doing my nails for several years. There must be some drug in nail polish remover that dissolves women's inhibitions and induces them to spill every detail of their lives as they hold hands across the manicure table. For months Cindy had been griping to me that, in her line of work, all she meets is women.
I had a late appointment with Cindy one evening about six o'clock. She was telling me how, after a long day of clipping, filing, and painting, she's too tired to go out to singles' bars to try to meet someone. At about P. We heard a deep male voice say, "Excuse me, I know it's terribly late. But is it possible to get a manicure? I had no idea such deities needed manicures! Before I could pull my jaw back up, Cindy, not even turning around, said, "Nope, we close in ten minutes. She jumped up to look, and there was her Adonis careening out of the parking lot, and out of her life, forever in his sleek chariot.
She didn't stop kicking herself long enough for me to respectfully suggest that one should keep one's eyes open all the time for such opportunities. One salesman friend of mine clinched a multi million-dollar corporate insurance deal with another nude man he met in his health club Jacuzzi.
You can, as the old song says, "find a million-dollar baby in a five-and-ten-cent store. Fishermen cast nets long before the swarm swims their way. If you set your psychological trap the minute your feet hit the floor in the morning, chances are the next big one won't get away. Now you are physically and mentally ready for love. The next question is, "How can I make my Quarry's insides go all funny when he or she meets me?
They're right above your nose. Many people swear, "I fell in love the moment I looked into my lover's eyes. And, although many women will insist otherwise, most women are certified butt watchers. This is not just idle conjecture: a British study determined that these are people's favorite eyeball destinations. When you were a teenager being reluctantly or otherwise introduced to strangers, your parents probably told you, "Look right into their eyes.
Powerful eye contact immediately stimulates strong feelings of affection. They gave them directions on how much eye contact to have with their partners during casual conversation. Afterward, the researchers asked each participant how he or she felt about the various people they had spoken with. The results? Page 36 Subjects who were gazing at their partner's eyes and whose partner was gazing back reported. Subjects who engaged in mutual gaze increased significantly their feelings of passionate love. Journal of Research in Personality Let's say that in less technical language: Locking eyeball to eyeball with the attractive stranger helps put the match to the flame of love.
Why does eye contact have such fiery consequences? Anthropologist Helen Fisher says it is basic animal instinct. When you look directly and potently into someone's eyes, his or her body produces chemicals like phenylethylamine, or PEA , that jolts the sensation of being in love. Thus, making strong, almost threateningly intense eye contact with your Quarry is one of the first steps in making him or her fall in love with you. People look lingeringly at sights they like and quickly avert their eyes from those they don't.
We enjoy gazing for long, lazy hours into a cozy fire, yet our hands jerk up to shield our eyes from an atrocious movie scene. It's the same when looking at people. We gaze lovingly at our lovers, yet avert our eyes from unpleasant, ugly, or dull people. When someone bores us, the first part of our body to escape is our eyes.
I'm acutely aware of this phenomenon during my speeches. Whenever I drone on too long about a particular point, audience members bury their noses in their notes.
Inspecting their manicures takes on prime importance. Some even nod off. When I get back on track, their eyes flutter up like butterflies returning to the sunshine after a rainstorm. Another, almost opposite, factor that blocks good eye contact is shyness.
The more someone overwhelms us, the more we avoid his or her eyes. Very low-ranking employees often avert their gaze from the big boss. If we meet someone extraordinarily handsome, beautiful, or accomplished, we tend to do the same. In my seminars, I strive to make eye contact with everyone in the audience. However, if there is an especially handsome man in the sea of faces, I often find myself avoiding his gaze.
I look into the eyes of everybody but him. My heart skips a beat. I sometimes lose my train of thought. I stutter. Powerful stuff, this eye contact. A British scientist determined that, on the average, when talking, people look at one another only 30 to 6o percent of the time. This is not enough to rev up the engines of love at first sight.
While he was still a graduate student at the University of Michigan, a prominent psychologist named. Zick Rubin became fascinated with how to measure love. Later, at Harvard and Brandeis, the romantic young researcher produced the first psychometrically based scale to determine how much affection couples felt for each other.
It became known as Rubin's Scale and, to this day, many social psychologists use it to determine people's feelings for each other. In his study on the ''Measurement of Romantic Love," Zick Rubin found that people who were deeply in love gaze at each other much more when talking and are slower to look away when somebody intrudes in their world. He asked dating couples a long series of questions so he could first rate the pairs on how much they loved each other.
The couples, unaware of their rating, Page Hidden cameras recorded how much time the couples spent staring into each other's eyes. The higher the couple had scored on the first test, the more time they spent looking at each other. The less love they felt for each other, the less time they made eye contact. To give your Quarry the subliminal sense that the two of you are already in love a self-fulfilling prophecy , dramatically increase your eye contact while the two of you are chatting.
Push it up to 75 percent of the time or more if you want to get the PEA gushing through his or her veins. The extra seconds of eye contact speak silent volumes. To a woman, the volumes will read, "Beautiful lady, I am intrigued by you. I am fascinated by what you are saying. I can't wait to tear your clothes off and have you make mad passionate love to me. Pretend you're admiring the optic nerve behind the eyeballs. Wisdom for the ages gleaned from The King and I is "Whistle a happy tune, and you will be happy.
Search for his or her optic nerve. Lock eyes with your Quarry to give the aura of already being in love. There's more to it than just looking deeply into someone's eyes, however. You must make your own eyes warm and inviting. Staring into the frigid eyes of a dead fish does nothing to incite love. Neither Bette Davis nor Clark Gable had a patent on them. We all have that suggestive look buried deep in our evolutionary psyche.
Ethnologists have even named it the copulatory gaze. The copulatory gaze plays a big role in lovemaking. For example, before having sex, pygmy chimpanzees—which are about as close to human as an ape can get—spend several moments staring deeply into each other's eyes. Sex without eye contact is difficult for some primates. Several Finnish researchers introduced male and female baboons to each other.
With blinder devices, they varied what part of the female's anatomy the male baboon got a gander at first. When the male's initial glimpse of his lady love was her genitals, only five ejaculations occurred. However, when he first gazed into her eyes before getting a peek at her privates, twenty-one ejaculations occurred. Anthropologist Helen Fisher goes so far as to say, "Perhaps it is the eye—not the heart, the genitals, or the brain—that is the initial organ of romance. Quite simply, large pupils. Incidentally, examine old photographs of Bette Davis or Clark Gable, and you will see enormously expanded pupils.
Undoubtedly a retouching job, but, hey! The father of a science which became known as pupillo-metrics, Dr. Eckhard Hess, demonstrated that large pupils were more alluring by showing two pictures of a woman's face to a group of men. The pictures were identical except, in one of them, Hess had retouched the lady's pupils to make them Page The male response to Ms. Big Pupils was twice as strong as to the identical woman with small pupils. Hess then reversed the experiment and showed pictures of men with enlarged pupils to women. Same positive female response to Mr.
Big Pupils. Hess tells us that we can't consciously control our pupil size, but in the early s he proved that we can at least manipulate it. He hooked male subjects up to a Rube Goldberg device to measure their pupil fluctuations and proceeded to show them a series of photographs. When the men saw pictures of a landscape, a baby, or a family, their pupils fluctuated a little. However, Hess sneaked a picture of a naked woman into the pile.
When the men got an eyeful of that one, zing went the strings of their pupils, thus proving that when we look at an enticing stimulus, our pupils expand. Here's how to enlarge your pupils to make your eyes look like inviting pools your Quarry will willingly drown in. While the two of you are chatting, simply gaze at the most attractive feature on. Does she have a cute little nose? Does he have an adorable dimple? As your eyes enjoy the sight, your pupils gradually enlarge. Keep your eyes off that mole with the black hair growing out of it. That will make your pupils slap shut like snapdragons!
Your pupils will automatically expand, giving you those bedroom eyes. Also, think loving thoughts. Concentrate on how beautiful your Quarry is, how comfortable you feel with her, how much fun it would be to take a shower with him. Also, you must force shyness, mistrust, nervousness, or any other negative pupil-closing ideas out of your mind. Think warm, fuzzy thoughts about your Quarry to further soften your gaze.
This one gives your Quarry that primal, unsettling feeling that floods over people when they start to fall in love. When conversing, people tend to look briefly away at the end of a sentence or during silences, except when they are engrossed in the listener or hopelessly in love. The phrase, he couldn't take his eyes off her is not just allegoric.
People who love each other not only indulge in much more eye contact while talking, but they are more hesitant to take their eyes off each other, even after they finish speaking. It is electrifying when someone's glance lingers on you during the silence, after you've stopped talking. Several years ago, I hired a carpenter to put an additional window in my office. Jerry wasn't terribly good-looking, and he certainly was no mental colossus, but for some inexplicable reason, I found him very attractive.
There was an indefinable, mysterious quality about Jerry. It was unsettling, primal, sexy. I didn't permit myself to indulge in my little infatuation, however. Perhaps I thought seducing the carpenter was neither politically correct nor otherwise desirable under the circumstances. Or perhaps Jerry's other qualities weren't emblazoned on my Lovemap. However, thoughts of Jerry filled my fantasies for weeks.
I didn't see him for several years. Then, just recently, while working on this book, I needed shelves to hold my research materials. Naturally, I called Jerry. He arrived on my doorstep, ten pounds. This time, thanks to my recent research, five minutes into our conversation, I realized why he turned me on.
Every time I said something, Jerry's eyes lingered on mine. After I had finished speaking, even during the silences, his eyes stayed glued to mine. That quality, I realized, is what I had found so unsettling, so primal, so sexy. As our discussion about my shelves progressed, I also realized why Jerry was holding the eye contact longer. He wasn't trying to be sexy. He wasn't fascinated by me. It wasn't because he couldn't take his eyes off me. It was simply because Jerry wasn't too bright, and it took an extra beat for my "I'd like the shelves eleven inches wide" to sink into his brain.
We now turn this into a technique to awaken those primal, unsettling, sexy feelings and give your new PLP a jolt. A gaze that stays overtime awakens primal, slightly disturbing feelings. It induces the same "fight or flight" chemicals that race through our veins when we feel infatuation. When you must look away, do so reluctantly.
Drag your eyes away slowly, as though they had been stuck with warm taffy. Naughty Eyes Are So Nice Now we come to the last way our eyes can get the chemicals flowing through our Quarry's veins. There are carefully choreographed steps that a man and a woman must take upon meeting each other if love is going to develop. One of those can't-do-without steps involves our eyes. A curious phenomenon happens to the eyes when a man and a Page As lovers are lulled by the good feelings, their eyes become more courageous. They slowly start to wander lovingly over each other's faces, hair, eyes.
Then they become bolder and venture down to their partner's shoulders, neck, and torso. A dreaminess sets in. To push your relationship with a new Quarry into this next step of intimacy, use the technique I call a visual voyage. As the conversation progresses, let your eyes slide slowly down from the nose to the lips. Caress the lips with your eyes for a moment or two, then slowly venture south to the neck and, if all is going well, beyond.
Take a visual voyage all over his or her face, concentrating mostly on the eyes. If he or she seems to be enjoying your expedition, take small side trips to the neck, shoulders, and torso. Women, you have a more liberal passport to travel in this territory. Men, be more wary. You're cruising into dangerous seas and can sink the ship if your eyes travel too far south and vacation there too long. These four eye techniques—intense gaze, bedroom eyes, sticky eyes, and visual voyage—are scientifically proved aphrodisiacs. When you start using them on your Quarry, you will feel the effect.
However, you don't need science to tell you that you cannot make someone fall in love with you unless the two of you are introduced to each other. Unless, of course, you engineer an acquaintance without the benefit of introduction. In the vernacular, that's ''pick them up. But I, for one, have nothing against the concept—if the "pickup" is done in a manner, shall we say, befitting the situation and the individuals involved.
Let us now cover some basics. We'll explore how you can engineer the acquaintance of a Potential Love Partner without the benefit of third-party introduction. The identical patterns of proceptivity and aggression repeat themselves time and time again. If the pattern is broken, often copulation does not take place. It is no different with Homo sapiens that's us , but we operate with a serious handicap.
Unlike those of lower animals, our brains get in the way of our instincts. In other words, we think too much. We ask ourselves, and others around us, too many questions. Should I play hard to get? Do I look alright? Is my tie straight? Maybe I should go to the ladies' room and put on some more lipstick first. Rabbits have no such reflections.